strength

week of 4/9/2023: strength

Okay, look, I’ve been trying out running.

I pull on the long black basketball shorts the young man who came last fall to clear out my hut gutters lent me. I wrest a hot-pink cloth contraption the shopkeep told me was called a “sports bra” over my bosoms (so far, I’ve succeeded in not putting my eye out). Then a long-sleeved faded shirt that reads BRYN MAWR CLASS OF 1843. Finally, I attach my socks to their suspenders, strap on my Converse high-tops, and go.

Oh, I go slow. From my hut the only way is downhill so the way back, when I’m tired, is uphill, which seems unfair. To forget, I listen to audiobooks in my Walkman. Right now it’s a steamy romance. (I remember the Regency period. Dreadfully dull.) 

Obviously, I’m not trying to lose weight–I never heard of anything so boring. And I’m not trying to increase my sexiness–that would create such traffic havoc they’d have to do away with cars altogether. I’m just trying to move my body so I’m less cranky and I sleep better and I feel good, and to be outside.

I cannot stress how slowly I run. Slow! And it’s hard! Other people are sailing past me on the trails, and they aren’t even breathing heavy or red-faced. 

Everything about this has made me feel weak; has exposed all the ways in which I don’t measure up, all the ways in which I’m not fast or graceful or powerful. Running is HARD. 

But over time, something has happened. Sometimes, when I run, something happens in my body and—I glide. 

When that happens, for a moment, I wonder: am I strong?

I don’t know how to measure strength. I don’t think distance or pace or terrain is exactly complete. I think there’s some alchemy between where you started and where you are and whether you keep going that means strength. 

It’s easy for the strongest people to forget they are strong when they are grappling with a hard thing just at their edge. But notice when you glide. 

Look how far you’ve come! Congratulate yourself on how very strong you are. And you have all the quiet strength, everything you need, for everything to come.